if only...

been sick. it's kind of tired being sick.
i think i passed the virus around in my office though. lots of people started coughing and blowing noses. we could make a symphony. lol.

i remember just last week. we went to visit my mother's godma (we call her ah ma). she seemed so weak. her body looked sunken. she lost all her vitality because she was sick. she got blood cancer or something like that. the doctors said that she had to go for kimo theraphy but she and her family decided against it since there was only a 50-50 chance.

today, my mother received news that ah ma was hospitalised and that she was in critical condition. was told that she might go anytime. my mom made preperations to go to the hospital this afternoon but just 5 mins into typing this entry, she had a call saying that ah ma already passed away. there was no need to go to the hospital anymore. life is just so unpredictable.

it doesn't matter whether you plan ahead of time or not, things sometimes just don't go according to plan.

don't worry. i'm ok. i'm just worried for my mother. it's her godma afterall and she has taken care of her since she was very young. i remember every new year, ah ma will cook really delicious food for all of us to eat. whether we came early or late, there will always be food awaiting our arrival. i guess this year's chinese new year's gonna be different again.

as time goes by, things that are important tend to slowly slip away and even though i try to hold them very tightly, it seems that with a blink of an eye they may all be gone. at least i know i cherished and hope that all these memories will be with me until the day i die. cherish every moment and not live to regret.

yea, i know this is a very emo post but deaths are emo subjects.

goodbye ah ma. go to a better place and i'll pray for you. i know everyone will miss you because you've been such a good person throughout your life. don't worry about all of us because we're all grown up now. i remembered you saying that you were not afraid to die because you've already lived your life till this ripe age. gone through so many things and seen your children get married and having their own children. i admire the courage you have even in the face of death. i'll always remember you.

i guess we cannot change any verdict that life has made. all we can do is to live on and on until it's our turn. God works in mysterious ways and if he says that she has got to go, he has his reasons. let's not talk about this anymore but i have nothing more to say for now. shall stop here. maybe i'll be happier later on. i don't know. maybe.